Stop the Cycle Of Abuse
Survivor Shares Her Story in Hope of Helping
by Betsy Bethel

Susan Prettyman* of St. Clairsville never heard the phrase “cycle of abuse” when she was growing up. Maybe things would have turned out differently if she had.

To help spread awareness, Prettyman agreed to be interviewed for this article about her abusive childhood and two abusive marriages. She also wrote a fictional book, based on her experiences, in which she chronicles how she broke the cycle of abuse, offering hope to those who are in abusive relationships or who were child victims.

“Sometimes when you’re in that (abusive relationship) and so consumed by all the negativity and all the chaos in your life, it’s hard to see that there is hope. But I want people to know there’s always hope out there,” said Prettyman.

According to licensed professional counselor Dick Coburn, who practices in Wheeling, it is common for child victims of abuse or children who witnessed domestic violence to become battered wives or abusive husbands, therefore exposing another generation to abuse.

“It is indeed a cycle. The key is awareness,” Coburn said.

Secret pain
The cycle runs on secrecy.

In the author’s note at the beginning of her book, Prettyman states: “Back in the ’60s when I was a small child, you just knew it was taboo to talk about some things. There were family ‘secrets.’ Unfortunately, while keeping these ‘secrets,’ we have, however unconsciously, taught others how to treat us.”

In Prettyman’s case, she was sexually molested by her father and physically abused by both parents while growing up in Rayland. All through her childhood, her father, an ironworker well-liked by the community, groped her and her sister at every opportunity — while washing dishes or just passing by his easy chair. The abuse touched all her siblings and the dozens of foster children her parents took in, but no one ever talked about it. Both parents died before any of the children confronted them.

Prettyman “escaped” her abusive home by marrying at 19. Unfortunately, the nightmare was just beginning. Not knowing any differently, she allowed her husband to control her through strict rules imposed by his church — no TV, no makeup, no movies — and sexual manipulation that included marital rape and trading oral sex for privileges such as shopping with her sister.

She never told anyone what went on behind closed doors, but after 11 years, she left him. Destitute, working a part-time job and taking care of two young sons, she gave her husband custody because she couldn’t afford to feed them all. She didn’t seek help from anyone — didn’t know there were agencies to help.

A few years later, on the rebound from a relationship that ended after she discovered the man was married, Prettyman married again. Her second husband, a local professional whom she met one year earlier, physically assaulted her for the first time on their honeymoon because she wore a dress that she had worn with her former boyfriend. For three years, the abuse continued, and she kept it secret.

“Being abused as a child and witnessing the physical abuse of our foster children had me wondering if I thought this must be acceptable behavior,” Prettyman wrote in her book.

She finally fled following a severe beating. That night, she hid out, bruised and barefoot, on her office floor. She finally broke the silence and told her co-workers what happened when they arrived the next morning.
Breaking the silence was the beginning of the healing, she said.

She subsequently received individual and group counseling from Tri-County Help Center in St. Clairsville, which she deems invaluable. “People seem to be put off by counseling or feel it’s degrading, but I highly recommend counseling,” she said.

Once she got on her feet, her sons chose to leave their father’s home and live with her in Martins Ferry; they were in eighth and ninth grade. Her older son never had school or behavior problems, but the younger one got into some trouble. In high school, however, “sports saved him,” Karras said.

In addition, the boys came to know a new role male role model who had a positive impact on them. Karras proceeded slowly with this new boyfriend, whom she “really put through the tests” to make sure he was not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. After five years of dating, she and Nick Karras married. The first year of their marriage, they lived separately so her younger son could graduate from the high school he had been attending (this was before open enrollment).

Karras said her third husband is everything her first two husbands weren’t: loving, supportive, respectful, involved in the community, considerate. It was he who encouraged her to write the book, a cathartic process that took four years. She dedicated it to her grown sons — “so they would know their family history” — and to her husband, “the love of my life.”

Karras, who is now 52, said she hopes her story will help at least one person get out of an abusive relationship, tell someone about their childhood abuse or stop being abusive. She is grateful that although she continued the cycle of abuse in her own life for many years, she did not pass it down to her children.

Silent witness
Even if children are not abused, however, they can be affected by domestic abuse, said Michelle Harriman, a child advocate with the YWCA-Wheeling Family Violence Prevention Program.

Children who witness abuse live in constant fear and anxiety and often develop low self-esteem behavioral problems, developmental delays, learning disabilities and depression, Harriman said. They feel powerless, confused, hopeless and isolated. They may suffer nightmares, bed wetting, colds and diarrhea. Without early intervention, they can become bullies, abuse alcohol or drugs and have problems in school. They may grow up to become abusers or victims.

Often, however, early intervention does not happen because the parents do not recognize what’s happening to the children.

“The victim is so focused on trying to please the abuser and keeping peace with the abuser they don’t even notice the children have delays. The children are neglected,” Harriman said.

Once a domestic abuse victim realizes the effects of the abuse on her children, she often is motivated to seek help, Harriman added. The first step is to get the children to a safe place. Both the YWCA and Tri-County Help Center offer emergency shelters, counseling and other services for victims of domestic abuse and their children.

“We do always have choices. We don’t have to stay bogged down in (abusive relationships). We can choose to do something different. We can choose to get help,” Karras said

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YWCA-Wheeling Family Violence Prevention Hotline - 800-698-1247

Tri-County Help Center Hotline (St. Clairsville) - 800-695-1639

Both agencies offer:
Emergency shelter
Legal, personal and medical advocacy
Information and referral
Counseling
Child advocacy
Support groups
Parenting programs
Safety planning