What is the toughest part of parenting? I think most parents would say everyday household conflicts, relationship drama and sick kids. And, like it or not, moms are usually the home “sheriffs” and the ones charged with “putting out the fires.”

Momagers (moms and managers) must be great problem solvers and efficient “firefighters” who can quell the almost daily sibling or spousal flareups. Effective mothering, put simply, requires fine-tuned conflict management skills.

Where does peace begin? In the home!

If we teach peaceful problem solving to our children, they will bring those skills into the world. An effective Momager knows that fires have to be put out properly, or people can get burned.

As a parent of three, I have dealt with an enormous range of emotions. Nothing prepared me for the bubbling joy, anger, elation, embarrassment and downright passion I would feel for these children. Sometimes the fire got “out of control.” As a leadership development trainer and Momager, I got plenty of practice applying conflict management techniques. I’ve learned how to problem solve and negotiate like the best of ’em. You can too by following the five steps outlined below.

I have learned that if conflict is handled well, people understand each other in a deeper way. Healing happens. Relationships reunite. If conflict is handled poorly, crippling effects occur. People feel discouraged or demoralized.

One of life’s greatest pains is when we are misunderstood by our family — the people who love us the most.
As a Momager, you have many super powers when dealing with conflicts and solving problems, but be sure to use your powers judiciously. What you do today will affect generations to come. Your kids will bring their problem-solving abilities into their families. A cycle of healing or pain will continue depending on how you handle this delicate subject.

Teaching conflict management at home helps children become independent, peace-loving individuals. If parents solve all the problems themselves, the child only behaves as a result of his or her parents’ presence. Children need to work through the process of solving their own problems. Parents can provide the training so kids can do it themselves.

The Five-Step Process to Quell Family Conflicts

This process contains the magic of solving problems while retaining everyone’s self-worth.

- Step One — What is the problem? Whose problem is it?
The first step in resolving a problem or conflict is to define it. In one sentence, identify what the problem really is and who should “own it.” Have each of the kids clearly explain the problem from their viewpoint. Everyone has to be clear about what the problem is.
Sample problem: The kitchen is messy after dinner. Who’s responsible? Three kids.

- Step Two — Discuss impacts.
How does this conflict make people feel? As a parent you want to ask questions like, “Who was affected by this incident?” Ask, “How do you think your behavior makes me feel?”

This is vitally important because it develops accountability for our actions and empathy for other people’s feelings and opinions.

Impact — “I feel frustrated and taken advantage of. I don’t like being the only one doing the dishes.” (Yep, those are my exact words.)

- Step Three — What is causing the problem?
Much like an investigation team finds out what caused a fire, you must determine what caused the issue you want to solve. Dig deep for the true root cause(s). Many times the solution of the problem can be found in the cause.

Causes: Kids don’t pick up their plates. There’s no clear direction. Parents are too exhausted to follow up with kids to do their job.

- Step Four — What are possible solutions?

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. It’s time to solve the problem. Instead of looking at constraints and rules, open your mind to creative options. Sit around the dinner table or have a family meeting to brainstorm all the options. Assign a note-keeper to jot down all the ideas. Think of all the ways you can to solve the problem.

Possible Solutions: Get Lucy (the dog) to lick the plates.

Have each family member take turns doing all the cleaning up after dinner. Make a schedule and have one person clean up and another person do the dishes.

- Step Five — Select the best solution and make a plan to implement it

Hooray! You’ve made it to this point. Now you can decide on the best solution and have everyone commit to being involved in implementing it.

Best Solution: Make a chart so everyone takes turns and has the “privilege” of serving the family.
As you implement the new ideas, mistakes are bound to happen. Occasionally you or your kids are going to get burned. When that happens, quickly douse the infected area with lots of love and apologies. Hugs, kisses and chocolate pudding can heal almost anything.

After you use this problem-solving technique a few times, you’re going to see serious changes. People will stop yelling because they will know they are going to be heard. Kids will start to think about how their actions affect others. You won’t hear the sighs, slamming doors or see the rolled eyes – at least not as much.

A new peaceful environment will emerge. You will see more cooperation, responsible behavior and greater trust. Going forward, your child will be able to help herself and others find answers to life’s most challenging questions. A common bond will connect your family when you work through difficult situations with respect and dignity.

Most of all, you will see and feel peace in action.

Christine Martinello is the author of “The Momager® Guide: Empowering Moms to Leave a Loving Legacy.” She is founder of the Momager® Movement and Camp Her Way, a facilitator of edutainment programs and a sought-after speaker. For more information, visit www.momager.com.