Coping with the emotional, physical, psychological and relationship effects of bringing home a new baby is far from easy. For many women, the transition is not only difficult it is unnatural.

“The self-imposed idea that a woman should automatically feel an attachment to her new child is an unfair burden,” said child abuse prevention specialist and mother of two Carrie Brown of Denver, Colo.

Timing is everything
Brown knows firsthand how challenging bonding with a baby can be — even when you’ve already experienced childbirth and are prepared to bring home a new baby.

“I was prepared to fall head over heels in love with the child I was anxiously awaiting, but when my second son was born, I couldn’t hold him for almost 10 hours,” said Brown, whose son had some meconium in his lungs. “That time made me wonder if I was prepared to have another child, or if I even wanted to have another one.”

Not being able to gaze into her newborn’s eyes, feel his skin and count his tiny fingers and toes delayed her ability to “fall in love” with her child. Once she was able to hold her son, Brown felt awkward trying to calm the small wriggling baby she held in her arms.

“I kept looking at him thinking, ‘What have I done, I’m not ready for another baby,’” said Brown, whose previous post-delivery experience two years earlier was drastically different than the circumstances surrounding her second child’s birth.

Although experts caution that not being able to hold a baby during the first few precious moments of his life is not the only reason that mothers may feel disconnected from their baby, it can be one contributing factor to a delayed bond.

“Through out nature, it is instinctive for a mother to nurture and nurse her young, and not being able to instantly form that bond can make mothers feel as though they are not ‘attached’ to their new child,” said family therapist, Donna Combs of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

In Brown’s case, although she feels building a bond took longer with her second child, than with her first, “after a few days, I was reminded of how much I really was ready for this wonderful experience. It helped to stop thinking so much about was I or wasn’t I ready, and just let my emotions take over.”

Setting aside her preconceived notions of what motherhood should be like the second time around, and giving herself leeway to make mistakes, helped Brown, who felt just as strong of a bond with her second child as with her first by the time he was 3 months old.

When love isn’t enough
Unlike Brown, who questioned readiness to have another child and ability to care for him, Michelle Reece of Fairfax, Va. worried that she didn’t love her child.

“She wasn’t what I expected,” Reece says recalling the early days of motherhood.

By all traditional stereotypes, Reece had a dream pregnancy. Never feeling nauseated and able to stay physically active, she spent the time romanticizing what her life would be like as a new parent. She painstakingly decorated the nursery and gathered with friends at a baby shower given her honor. What this 31-year-old new mother was not prepared for was coming home with a new baby who would develop colic and felt more like a stranger than someone she spent nearly a year preparing for.

“She cried all the time, and had a personality in such contrast to mine, as well as the one I imagined she’d have, that I would look at her and wonder if I truly loved her,” Reece said.

Mothers of children born prematurely or those who develop conditions such as colic tend to experience an inability to form a bond more often than those who are not.

“The ability or inability to form a bond with a newborn is not a measure of love for that child,” Combs said. “And it is important to understand that there are techniques to help build those all-important bonds despite incubators or hours of tears.”

Studies show that even thinking about your baby can cause a surge in hormones. “Those hormones trigger emotions,” said Julia Braungart-Rieker, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. Also, skin-to-skin contact with your baby experienced when nursing or taking a bath together helps forge the early ties that bind.

“Carrying a child in a pouch or sling promotes mommy-baby time and helps new mothers ease into the rigors of parenthood,” added Braungart-Reiker.

Finding hope
Discussing their feelings and symptoms with their medical doctor or with a mental health expert will generate tremendous relief for both mothers and fathers.

“Receiving justification that you’re not ‘crazy’ or ‘shouldn’t be feeling this way,’ will develop clarity to what you’re experiencing,” said John Cunningham, a Mount Shasta, Calif. marriage and family therapist. Combining therapy, family support and in some cases medication prescribed and monitored by a physician are the most popular methods available to parents struggling to overcome postpartum depression or even the milder baby blues.

Social support groups also provide a significant benefit to blue new parents.

“Connecting with other parents in social scenarios or formal support groups provides valuable support to aid in building a bond,” Cunningham added. Recognizing that you’re not alone, and that your feelings are understandable and explainable, provides comfort for a mothers and fathers to begin treating their feelings and developing strong, healthy relationships with their children.

Gina Roberts-Grey is a mother and freelance writer from upstate New York.