Looking into her clear, blue, unafraid eyes, I can feel my heart skip a beat. Do I have it in me to shepherd another child to adulthood? Yes, I have two other children, far along in their own journeys. But I wonder: Does the knowledge gained from guiding them help my outlook on her, or hinder it?

My husband and I have been supremely blessed in our dream of building a family together. Stunned for a few years by the reality of infertility, we went on to adopt a beautiful baby boy, and then another, three years later. The four of us formed a natural and easy bond.

We pursued adding a third child to our family for a long time, and after several disappointments, the time came to accept, with grace and with thankfulness, our family of two healthy and happy boys. As the boys grew older, we moved beyond toys and play dates and into girlfriends and cars and movies with bad words in them. We came to realize that the reason the stereotype of teenagers exists is because that is exactly how teenagers actually are. Trudging along throughout the daily life lessons, we kept at it with a strategy of combining a positive outlook with a diligent eye for all the details.

And then the phone rang ... yes, there is a baby girl soon to be born. Soon to be born, for our family.
At that particular time, we were just moving into our newly built home. A home, I might add, which had just three bedrooms — one for each son and one for my husband and me. Why waste space on any other bedroom when we could instead have a larger kitchen? Of course, that detail was nearly meaningless when compared to the larger picture: Just how old exactly would we be when this baby girl turned 18? Do we even want to do that math?

Truth be told, there was never any moment when either my husband or I considered the possibility that we might say “no thank you” to this huge surprise of a blessing. As daunting a prospect as her upbringing may be, it nonetheless was as accepted as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west ... a decision made for us by a higher power.

So now our family of five shuffles along, two teenage boys and an absolutely adorable, if slightly wild, redheaded, blue-eyed toddler. Our friends keep telling us she will “keep us young,” while at the same time trying to resist the urge to roll their eyes as we jump up hurriedly to chase her down from the dangerous staircase.

Yet, the question remains. Are we not just older, but in fact wiser? Or are we merely jaded?

Have we learned lessons from raising the boys that will give us the upper hand in maturity and outlook this time around? Or do we admit defeat to bad words in movies, having fought that battle too many times already?

More troubling to me than discipline is another thought. One of my fondest memories of my first baby was sitting on the floor with him, as he laughed and giggled and absolutely sparkled with pure joy. My heart burst with the sheer beauty of his happiness. As he grew, he of course went on to experience the real life emotions of sadness, anger, jealousy, rejection and fear. Trying to help him navigate through relationships with other children and then with other teenagers is a far different experience for a parent than helping that sparkling baby to another warm bottle.

When I look at my effervescent little girl now, I can’t help but know that in the future, she also will have to have all those same troubling emotions. Do I have the strength to keep her strong?

She is fearless, as noted in her eyes. She does not believe in the concept of “strangers.” There are merely people who have not yet met her ... but they soon will and surely won’t forget the experience. My challenge in this life is to keep her safe while at the same time not squelching that incredible spirit that all those strangers keep commenting on to me.

Just recently, while in the middle of a particularly trying but typical day, I had finished battling my older teenager on the subject of an upcoming party. Because I had good reason to believe there would be alcohol served at that party, to underage teenagers by woefully misguided parents who believed themselves to be “cool,” he was not allowed to attend. End of subject ... and end of any loving relationship with my son, for that day at least.

My younger son was similarly displeased with me, for not allowing him to buy a video game that had content rated for “mature teens,” despite the large numbers of his friends who all owned this game which featured alcohol, violence and more than a little sex. As they stomped around the house, they found they finally could agree on one thing: that Mom sure was stupid.

My little daughter found me, folding clothes in the laundry room, and wondered aloud why I wasn’t smiling today. Sighing, I told her just the simple truth as it occurred to me.

“Sometimes Mommy just doesn’t feel happy. I just feel sad. And tired, too.” Tilting her head to one side, she smiled sweetly at me and reached up to my face, using her hands to pull up each side of my mouth into a smiling position. Knowingly, she softly said “But it’s easy, Mommy. You just put your mouth this way. See? Now you will feel happy.” I had to continue smiling then, at the pure and simple nature of that sweet advice.

My shelves are full of self-help books and my husband is, thank God, ready to stand the challenge with me. As the sun rises and sets, together we will meet the days. When it comes to our third child, we may have “been there, done that,” but only time will tell if that is an advantage or not.

The funny thing is, in my heart of hearts, I have a feeling that this girl will make it her intention to teach us all a thing or two that we don’t already know.

Robin Rokisky is a freelance writer who lives in Weirton with her husband and three children.