The Ins and Outs of 'Butting' ...

We spend much of our lives offering advice to our children — whether they want it or not. When they are young, our words are more of a mandate than an opinion or piece of advice. When we tell our 10-year-old son that he should not stay up past midnight, we mean he will be in bed by 10 p.m. However, when our 23-year-old comes home at 5 a.m., it’s best to keep our advice and opinions to ourselves — as long as he is not doing anything illegal, dangerous or stupid. When our pre-teen daughter is choosing a paint color, we may offer our opinion, but if we value her creative expression, we just let her go with that metallic hot pink paint with the turquoise stripes. But when our married daughter asks for advice on what color to paint the walls in her apartment, we jump at the chance to be involved. So the question is: When do we “butt in” and when do we “butt out”? When my son’s wisdom teeth were bothering him, I had absolutely no problem saying, “Get yourself to the dentist. Now.” But when he quit his job earlier this year, I was reticent. When I gave my daughter and her husband an oil painting for their dining room, I saw the perfect place for it. Just move this picture over here and put that one there, I thought, perhaps a little too out-loud. I felt as if she didn’t care for that suggestion. And maybe it was my offering the suggestion at all, not that particular suggestion, she wasn’t fond of. “I’m sure you’ll find the perfect place,” I quickly added. After all, it is their dining room and their painting. I find myself saying often when I visit my children — especially my daughter who has a husband to make these decisions with these days — “Not that I’m trying to tell you what to do ... but ...” So the answer to that question — When to butt in or when to butt out? When they ask, it’s OK to speak your mind. Yes, I think the sage is a lovely color, since you asked. And about quitting that job earlier this year? Well, because he didn’t ask how I felt about it, that was a good time to keep my mouth shut.